The Light beyond the Darkness

Sitting in the freezing cold balcony, I stared into the dark night sky which was filled by bright little stars forming a beautiful pattern.  I wondered what could possibly lie beyond.  Is there another universe? Are there any signs of existence of life? Where does the sky end or if it has an ending at all. The fact that I did not know the answers to so many questions made me feel uneasy and unhappy. Maybe that’s the kind of feeling experienced by freaks (like me) who cannot stand uncertainties in life! I suddenly wanted the dawn to come sooner so that I can see better and try to figure things out. I knew that no amount of staring at the skies would make me know the mysteries that lay behind, nevertheless I continued. After a little while, I decided to give up the stupidity and walked back into the living room before I froze to death.

That’s when it struck me that there are a lot of things in life that one theoretically understands the impracticality of it happening but fails to believe the same. Trying to foresee life is one such thing .One needs to wait it out. One needs to understand that the universe works in its own pace and delivers things to you only when the time is right. No matter how adamant, angry, desperate you get, preceding events of your life is closed with a dark colored blanket just like the night sky and as time goes by you would get just enough light to lead the way and go in the right direction so that you ultimately witness the shinning sun in all its glory!  

Happiness as we know it

I drove my old battered scooty pep way back home, after one of those days, you know for sure could have not ended better. With music playing in my ipod, I could feel the rush in my head as I thought about the resignation letter which I handed over earlier that day, the offer letter which I had received from a good company a few days ago, the new vehicle which I had booked with my very own money. Life had the best things to offer me at that very moment. Just the thought of not having to work at that lousy office anymore made me squeal in happiness and I had a smile to offer to everyone.

Suddenly the world seemed to be a better place to live in. Rash drivers and careless pedestrians were blessed not to hear my curse as they were taken in a stride. As I made my way towards nungambakkam , traffic was lighter than usual. At the signal, I stopped the bike and changed the song to a peppy upbeat number to suit my mood.

I noticed a small little girl about the age of 5 begging on the road beside the pavement along with her brother, who looked like he was 8. The kid was so was about 2 feet tall and had to hold her brothers hand for support to climb the pavement. My heart instantly went out for the small kid. There was something so cute about her that I could not tear my eyes away. The two kids approached the auto which was beside me and the driver decided to play God that day and harshly turned them away ,not before giving the boy a tight slap and sharing his words of wisdom “ Go and earn , stop begging”. Instantly I imagined slapping that guy and saying “Stop stealing people’s money in the name of petrol hike and pls oh pls stop acting like a smartass”.

All of a sudden the little girl locked eyes with me and gave me a charming smile. I knew I would be their next target. The autowala seeing this, resumed his God’s role and said to me “Don’t encourage these kids; they have to earn for their living”. While I mentally radioed him back by saying, “F*&%^ these kids are 5 and 8, what bloody earn?”

As they approached, I took my purse out, handed a few coins to the girl and touched her cheek. She closed her eyes, pressed the coins against her cheeks, felt the coolness against her skin and smiled.
The joy which was seen in her face is unexplainable. Her proud brother gave her a tight hug and took the money from her and carefully pocketed it and gave her a coin to play with.

The signal turned green and vehicles started moving, the small boy again held the girl’s hand, crossed the road and moved away.
As I sped away seeing their little figures disappear in distance, all I could think of was “how happiness defines itself to each one of us in different ways”!!

If Only ...

How I wish I was back in my mom’s arm, cuddled, kissed, pampered, and fed, while I enjoyed the peace and tranquility of the world. It’s hard to believe I lived in a world where I was not questioned for my silliness, where no one expected me to take responsibility for the things I did, where I could make all the mistakes in the world and still make up for it with an innocent sweet smile and a wet kiss, where I can eat all the candies I want and not bother about putting on weight, scream, shout, dance whenever and wherever I like, without having the slightest thought of being judged.

How I wish I was back to the age when top priority of the day was to win in the board game called “LIFE”. It was a time when a silly fight with best friend meant end of the world, a trip to beach coupled with a ice cream treat was considered “lucky” , holidays granted on account of heavy rain meant shedding uniforms in a jiff and rushing back to bed , sickness meant highest possible level of pampering and bowls of hot soup ,fighting with siblings meant bravery, mild tiff with parents meant loads of hugs and kisses later, family functions meant turning the home upside down, getting reports cards signed meant worst few minutes of life, visiting relatives place for a vacation meant luxury, relatives visiting us meant best dress, best behavior, and best kid ever kind of act, diwali’s meant tuff competition between neighbors as to who would first burst the crackers, a trip to super market meant loading the trolley with chocolates and all goodies, apology meant saying “sorry” in a sing song tone while having the expression of cutest puppy ever alive, fast bike drives with big brothers meant 2 hours of bragging session the next day at school, annul day functions meant cutting a lot of classes in the name of “practice” ,parents teachers day meant sleepless night the day before, reading comics meant losing one self so much in the story that one does not keep count of the no of cups of snacks eaten during the process.

How I wish I was back to the age where pain of any sort lasted only for couple of hours, when words like “dishonesty, cheating,” never existed in dictionary but just in games, when everybody and everything was lovely, fair and good.
If ever my wish was granted and am taken back to that age, I shall gladly start over, not bothering about having to go through all the pain of growing up again, for every moment is worth the deal.

Unsaid Love

Naveen tried to concentrate on packing... His mind kept drifting back to the one single thing, that has been possessing him for the past 1 year. The single factor which was now forcing him to leave the county. Scenes kept playing at the back of his mind, as if the replay button was involuntarily switched on… he gave up, and sat on the bed covering his face …the current scene was their first time meeting ,she was looking nothing less of an angel … In a black salwar ,paired up with cute silver kundan ear rings, she was a treat to eyes ! Very elegant and yet so traditional .what actually caught his attention were the almond shaped eyes sparkling with fun and mischief! How he wished, he had seen this little angel years back! While he was still wishing, she approached him and asked softly, “can you please tell me which way is the canteen”? The rest of the incidents as to how they became best friends were a blur...or one can call it a blissful blur!

After exactly 10 months, he saw the same beautiful eyes filled confusion, pain, fear, and uncertainty when he proposed to her. naveen was so sure and confident that he would go back home as a happy man winning a definite yes from his beloved laskhya .Till today he did not know the reason as to why she politely denied the proposal (with tears in her eyes ). He could not imagine life without her , as she was everything he wanted, gregarious , fun loving , social, cutely irritating ,extremely caring, flatteringly independent, sensible yet childish . How could he lose her, when he knew he was meant to spent the rest of his life with her and no one else can keep her as happy as he can ?He kept wondering what went wrong and where ?

From the very next day onwards, he could see her totally unhappy, as though something heavy had been placed in her heart. Naveen felt so guilty about making her feel this way , that he decided in a span of 2 months to accept a On- sight offer which was already 6 months due for his acceptance .
This was the toughest decision he had made so far and he knew that execution was going to be even more difficult. But he knew, he had to do it. He could not bear to eye her guilt filled eyes every time they met.

He hoped to see her at least one last time before he left to the US, but she had not even attended the bon voyage party that his friends threw him.
As these thoughts were still gulping him in waves of sorrow, when naveen’s mother entered his room and informed him to be ready within an hour as the cab would arrive on time. On seeing him so grief stricken, she asked lovingly if everything was alright, he could only nod in reply!

He knew very little time was left, for his life to completely turnaround .As minutes tricked by , all kinds of weird images crossed his mind… laskhya getting married to someone else, she having a baby and naming the baby after him, it was truly unbearable for him and he felt like screaming at the top of his lungs.

He mustered all the strength not to cry, and finished his packing and headed to airport.

Trolleys were loaded, hugs were exchanged, sweet advises were given, flight announcements were made, the only thing he had to do was LEAVE. When he was just about to wheel away his trolley towards the departure lounge, he felt as though he saw her at a distance. He was sure he had imagined it and turned to give his mother one last hug.. When he turned back to his trolley, he could very well see her right before his eyes… he kept staring a whole min, wondering if he was imagining things or if she was actually there! He feared clarifying his doubt to people around, for they might say it was his IMAGINATION! He kept standing there, as the figure moved closer to him, all he could see at this point of time was only her eye that was filled with love, affection, and fear. He desperately hoped this was all true and not illusion, for he knew he was very capable of going lunatic at that point of time .No words were spoken. The air was still, everything became silent around him. He could only see her eyes moving closer and closer in his direction. After what seemed like an hour, he opened his arms wide and like a reflex action, she ran into his arms and buried her face in his neck and tightly held him, as if never wanting to leave him again! He gently stoked her hair, there was still silence around him and all he could hear was her sobbing quietly and saying sorry over and above again! He felt like every little thing was back in its place. Now the scenes in his mind showed a completely different picture of them getting married and living happily ever after!

Eyes that lie !

As i looked around , the place looked familiar , but lifeless and dull.. isn’t this the place i have come looking for you a zillion times, to find you sitting with a bunch of friends, pretending to be busy , but actually waiting for my arrival. isn’t this the place where you and i sat distance apart , but closer at heart ! Stealing glances when no one else looked was a fun game to you and me !when we met after a week of not seeing each other, your eyes spoke more than what you might have ever imagined to convey through words…did your eyes betray me or you? the warmth of your fingers against my hand told me , how much you had missed me ..how something that was so compassionate ,so true ..became nothing at all ,in a matter of few months? did you not hear my heart screaming out to you , asking you to come and talk to me , at least once last time on the FINAL day , to soothe my aching heart ! Our telepathy miserably failed to turn on that day! you reacted as if we had seen each other the first time, and had a blank expression on your face. when the thought that this would be the last time i would see you ,my heart beat so fast , just like the time ,my eyes first saw you ! i turned away insanely making up my mind that , it was the evil twin brother i had seen today and that MY DREAM ANGEL , had actually soared high into the sky leaving me all alone ! not wanting to look back, i walked with dignity and poise,as nothing had actually happened, but my sight becoming all blurry! later when sanity returned back and realizations happened, i understood that if EYES can lie , who else cant !

Fantasy Vs Reality !

I closed my eyes tightly, after a few seconds, I opened it..Nothing happened…! I tried it again a few times… the magic failed to work. I knew it was not a dream to dissolve in few seconds, but I desperately prayed it was one…And that, I would wake up with a terrible headache and then later go to college and complain about the dream and forget it then and there. If it were a dream, I would hope never to remember it the next day ….but NO..Its REALITY. If I wanted it to be a dream, then I should travel back 2 years in time. I wonder out loudly, “they say anything is possible these days, then why the hell ,time travelling machine is yet to be invented?? ”. I soon start cursing all the people involved in science and their lack of interest in doing great things. Suddenly my thoughts jumped and I start dreaming about what all things I would have prevented from happening, and other things I would have preferred to happen, if I had a choice. After what seemed like an hour, I was shook hardly by my friend, who thought I had gone lunatic, as she had found me sitting in the same place for an hour and looking at the wall and smiling all along. It was as though I had been to see a movie (which I had written, directed, acted, edited) which had totally engrossed me and did not want to move from the seat, long after it ended. But I know, I must move on. There is a force that makes me take things in a stride and a force which makes me stand still , not letting me disturb the air around! The worst part arrives when one is being pulled in different directions, and the person wishes ,he/she has extra pairs of hands/legs, to run in all the desired ways(even if it’s for just the heck of it) !

I would have loved to be anyone else at that moment, I mean LITERALLY anyone! I often feel not dealing with a situation, is the best way to DEAL with it. But the sensible person who used to exist inside me, (who now rarely peeps out) asked me boldly, ” REALLY? YOU MEAN FOR ALL THE SITUATIONS? IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE ALREADY DEALT WITH IT IN THE BEST WAY, YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY BY NOW, BUT WHY THE HELL ARE YOU UNHAPPY?!” .I cursed once again, why consciousness puts forth such thought provoking questions at all the wrong times and only when I have just made the decision to not deal with things!

Though I argued that fantasy can improve my imagination skills and it’s good for the active working of my brain and does not involve lousy emotional feelings, it all proved to be fatal! After a lot of arguments and useless question – answer sessions, I agreed to the dominating devil inside me, that I know I must live in reality and not in fantasy.

Once the confessions were done and over, I now thought of the dominating devil as a friend, and intended to prolong the conversation and asked , “well, now tell me how do I deal with it?” … there was no reply … I repeated my question… still nothing… I knocked my insides…. Twice… all I could hear was just a hollow sound!

Friends For Life !

I never thought the time would come for me to say bye to my family and friends,but alas it has.. so i guess the decent thing to do is to take the news fairly in a nice manner and move on... at this moment i would like write about this special,wonderful and equally painful friend of mine without whom my life would have never been the same...thats DJ (she feels being called so,is coool...lol )..

hey DJ the stuff below is purely emotional, so be ready with your tissues before you read.....okkkkk... here we go ;)

I first met you in my neighbor's place, you posed yourself as a calm,composed,shy girl...i swear you were all those things initially ...but once i got close to you things were different... i understood you had the capacity to scare others to death with your immensely loud laugh or your exceptionally large white eye balls..lol..

We have always been partners in trying something new...be it dance,music or math class..we stayed long enough to understand the simple fact that we were "JACK OF ALL TRADES BUT MASTER IN NONE"...;) but the fun we had is something unforgettable..

There was a small gap of about 2 years in between,during which we had no clue about what the other one was doing..it was partly my fault and i know you were pretty pissed off with me.. i am soooooooooo sorry for whatever happened..i was totally in some other world wherein i did not know how to make you participate..

And again when we got back together in 9th on the so called "pretext of studying ",things were back to normal...i am so glad we were given a second opportunity to grow the bond of friendship and be for each other..

As things got moving, we were blessed to see the worst side of each other which made us grow closer and not a inch apart, as it usually happens in other cases.. you were there for me in the worst of the worst situations and also in the few most beautiful moments of my life..for which i cant thank you enough...

I can never forget the innumerable sleepovers we had at each others place..seeing endless romantic comedy movies,and eating what we could lay our hands on and screeching and screaming for no reason and making unrealistic plans like waking up early in the morning and going for a walk,the "lets talk about feelings" sessions,the vigorous walks in the boat club road while bitching and cursing about each and everything in life,the countless photo sessions,the nice masala tea we used to have at midnight in between the movies,the almost successful shopping trips,the bear hugs and sweet butterfly kisses,the fierce shuttle cork games,are all few things which i can never experience with anybody else.. rather i don't want to..

I always loved fighting with you..not because i hate you..but because i love making up and almost forgetting the fact that we just fought like crazy animals ;) These stuffs always gives you a feeling that someone loves you in spite of your dents..

I am usually not the type who expresses things emotionally unless and until wanted but i decided to write this today because i know if things are not said now, who knows probably i would never get a chance to say it again..

I have no clue how i am going to manage living through a day without your constant "baby boo whats up", "darling ass","dum ass,piggy gal" messages,or looking at the clock at sharp 7 and thinking what the hell is she doing without coming home??or without seeing your blushing face that always carries a wide scary smile...

I guess the separation is a tricky stuff to test the strength of our friendship... i am sure we both will pass without the slightest iota of doubt..

On a final note..hmmmmm hmmmmmm hmmmmmm.. what do i sayyyyyyyyy ????????? nothing other than LOVE YOU SOOOOOOOO MUCH (doesn't say everything ) ;)