Eyes that lie !

As i looked around , the place looked familiar , but lifeless and dull.. isn’t this the place i have come looking for you a zillion times, to find you sitting with a bunch of friends, pretending to be busy , but actually waiting for my arrival. isn’t this the place where you and i sat distance apart , but closer at heart ! Stealing glances when no one else looked was a fun game to you and me !when we met after a week of not seeing each other, your eyes spoke more than what you might have ever imagined to convey through words…did your eyes betray me or you? the warmth of your fingers against my hand told me , how much you had missed me ..how something that was so compassionate ,so true ..became nothing at all ,in a matter of few months? did you not hear my heart screaming out to you , asking you to come and talk to me , at least once last time on the FINAL day , to soothe my aching heart ! Our telepathy miserably failed to turn on that day! you reacted as if we had seen each other the first time, and had a blank expression on your face. when the thought that this would be the last time i would see you ,my heart beat so fast , just like the time ,my eyes first saw you ! i turned away insanely making up my mind that , it was the evil twin brother i had seen today and that MY DREAM ANGEL , had actually soared high into the sky leaving me all alone ! not wanting to look back, i walked with dignity and poise,as nothing had actually happened, but my sight becoming all blurry! later when sanity returned back and realizations happened, i understood that if EYES can lie , who else cant !

Fantasy Vs Reality !

I closed my eyes tightly, after a few seconds, I opened it..Nothing happened…! I tried it again a few times… the magic failed to work. I knew it was not a dream to dissolve in few seconds, but I desperately prayed it was one…And that, I would wake up with a terrible headache and then later go to college and complain about the dream and forget it then and there. If it were a dream, I would hope never to remember it the next day ….but NO..Its REALITY. If I wanted it to be a dream, then I should travel back 2 years in time. I wonder out loudly, “they say anything is possible these days, then why the hell ,time travelling machine is yet to be invented?? ”. I soon start cursing all the people involved in science and their lack of interest in doing great things. Suddenly my thoughts jumped and I start dreaming about what all things I would have prevented from happening, and other things I would have preferred to happen, if I had a choice. After what seemed like an hour, I was shook hardly by my friend, who thought I had gone lunatic, as she had found me sitting in the same place for an hour and looking at the wall and smiling all along. It was as though I had been to see a movie (which I had written, directed, acted, edited) which had totally engrossed me and did not want to move from the seat, long after it ended. But I know, I must move on. There is a force that makes me take things in a stride and a force which makes me stand still , not letting me disturb the air around! The worst part arrives when one is being pulled in different directions, and the person wishes ,he/she has extra pairs of hands/legs, to run in all the desired ways(even if it’s for just the heck of it) !

I would have loved to be anyone else at that moment, I mean LITERALLY anyone! I often feel not dealing with a situation, is the best way to DEAL with it. But the sensible person who used to exist inside me, (who now rarely peeps out) asked me boldly, ” REALLY? YOU MEAN FOR ALL THE SITUATIONS? IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE ALREADY DEALT WITH IT IN THE BEST WAY, YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY BY NOW, BUT WHY THE HELL ARE YOU UNHAPPY?!” .I cursed once again, why consciousness puts forth such thought provoking questions at all the wrong times and only when I have just made the decision to not deal with things!

Though I argued that fantasy can improve my imagination skills and it’s good for the active working of my brain and does not involve lousy emotional feelings, it all proved to be fatal! After a lot of arguments and useless question – answer sessions, I agreed to the dominating devil inside me, that I know I must live in reality and not in fantasy.

Once the confessions were done and over, I now thought of the dominating devil as a friend, and intended to prolong the conversation and asked , “well, now tell me how do I deal with it?” … there was no reply … I repeated my question… still nothing… I knocked my insides…. Twice… all I could hear was just a hollow sound!

Friends For Life !

I never thought the time would come for me to say bye to my family and friends,but alas it has.. so i guess the decent thing to do is to take the news fairly in a nice manner and move on... at this moment i would like write about this special,wonderful and equally painful friend of mine without whom my life would have never been the same...thats DJ (she feels being called so,is coool...lol )..

hey DJ the stuff below is purely emotional, so be ready with your tissues before you read.....okkkkk... here we go ;)

I first met you in my neighbor's place, you posed yourself as a calm,composed,shy girl...i swear you were all those things initially ...but once i got close to you things were different... i understood you had the capacity to scare others to death with your immensely loud laugh or your exceptionally large white eye balls..lol..

We have always been partners in trying something new...be it dance,music or math class..we stayed long enough to understand the simple fact that we were "JACK OF ALL TRADES BUT MASTER IN NONE"...;) but the fun we had is something unforgettable..

There was a small gap of about 2 years in between,during which we had no clue about what the other one was doing..it was partly my fault and i know you were pretty pissed off with me.. i am soooooooooo sorry for whatever happened..i was totally in some other world wherein i did not know how to make you participate..

And again when we got back together in 9th on the so called "pretext of studying ",things were back to normal...i am so glad we were given a second opportunity to grow the bond of friendship and be for each other..

As things got moving, we were blessed to see the worst side of each other which made us grow closer and not a inch apart, as it usually happens in other cases.. you were there for me in the worst of the worst situations and also in the few most beautiful moments of my life..for which i cant thank you enough...

I can never forget the innumerable sleepovers we had at each others place..seeing endless romantic comedy movies,and eating what we could lay our hands on and screeching and screaming for no reason and making unrealistic plans like waking up early in the morning and going for a walk,the "lets talk about feelings" sessions,the vigorous walks in the boat club road while bitching and cursing about each and everything in life,the countless photo sessions,the nice masala tea we used to have at midnight in between the movies,the almost successful shopping trips,the bear hugs and sweet butterfly kisses,the fierce shuttle cork games,are all few things which i can never experience with anybody else.. rather i don't want to..

I always loved fighting with you..not because i hate you..but because i love making up and almost forgetting the fact that we just fought like crazy animals ;) These stuffs always gives you a feeling that someone loves you in spite of your dents..

I am usually not the type who expresses things emotionally unless and until wanted but i decided to write this today because i know if things are not said now, who knows probably i would never get a chance to say it again..

I have no clue how i am going to manage living through a day without your constant "baby boo whats up", "darling ass","dum ass,piggy gal" messages,or looking at the clock at sharp 7 and thinking what the hell is she doing without coming home??or without seeing your blushing face that always carries a wide scary smile...

I guess the separation is a tricky stuff to test the strength of our friendship... i am sure we both will pass without the slightest iota of doubt..

On a final note..hmmmmm hmmmmmm hmmmmmm.. what do i sayyyyyyyyy ????????? nothing other than LOVE YOU SOOOOOOOO MUCH (doesn't say everything ) ;)

Screw the Bloddy Male Chauvinist Pigs...

The below content is purely a narration of an incident and is not written to offend any gender and kindly excuse my language.....

It was one of the worst days of my life so far.. the day started fairly well.. i had gone out to finish some work with my friend and was returning home after a visit to the plant nursery and getting one of those beautiful samanthi plant.. i was driving at a reasonable speed.. when i had to take a right to enter into my flat.. i slowed down my speed to 5 km ... and just when i was making a half U turn.. i saw at a distance of about 5 m, a bastard coming in the opposite side at 45 km speed ...i instantly screamed asking him to slow down..he tried doing it, but due to his speed he was unable to stop the bike .. and it hit the front of my vehicle and the the next thing i knew was , i and my friend were on the ground.. with a vehicle on one side.. all badly bruised..

My BP level rose too many levels high.. and i started screaming in the middle of the road not really taking notice of the crowd that has encircled us(bloody typical Indian useless crowd).. everybody including the driver himself, knew it was his mistake..but he refused to admit it.. i did not leave him there, i continued to verbally abuse him(something which i have never done before in public)and i even pulled his bike and demanded him to pay me compensation for the damage done to the bike.. as usual the bloody f***** male chauvinist pig asked to me go to hell and challenged me to do whatever i want and walked off as if nothing ever happened..

i looked around and still there was this jobless useless crowd standing around me and gaping at me as though am a gorilla in the zoo.. amongst the crowd most of them were men
( at least thats what they call themselves), what shocked me was there was no single soul to support me in a neighborhood were i have been living for the past 20 years..

I am a person who always believed in women's power and never accepted the so called fact that men are superior to women.. (i still don't agree) i just realized that if i had been a man then things would have been different.. i would have either hit him badly or taken away his keys and walked off till he payed and begged me for pardon.. ( am serious)..just because am a women and because i live in a bloody conservative society i had to keep my fists to myself and walk inside, in fact even the abusive shouting in the road shocked my friend and she considered it as an unwomanly act..

That day i regretted for not learning karate so badly that i wanted to start right away (this time my mum asked me to go to hell)..

I walked back home, half in tears and frustration.. my father promptly gave a "complaint" to the police. its been 2 days and there is no update or any action taken against that guy...

For the first time in my life i regretted being an Indian.. i guess its dam easy in India to even a kill a person in an accident and walk off as an innocent ass hole.. i kept thinking how the same issue would have being handled abroad.. i felt ashamed to be living in a country where the law and order are washed away somewhere down the drainage system...

When i was blowing off my top and reciting the story to my cousin, he "jokingly" asked me to get a licensed Gun and try shooting such people.( i knew the comment was made to cool me down)..i had a good hearty laugh at the time, a moment later i was thinking "God, How am i ever going to survive in such a country for the rest of my life???"

Thank you prayer!

It was a typical hot boiling summer day in Chennai ... i stormed into my home from the scorching sun. i was very tired,extremely hungry, and totally pissed off.. i walked across the hall cursing my college for not being open on the day i wanted to check my results.. i was thoroughly annoyed as i had to go all the way to college in bus,only to know that the college reminded closed that day..

My mom who was a bit relived that i would not be coming back home for the next one hour and was lazily chatting with the house maid,she was startled to see me an hour early and all hungry and on the verge of tears..she started to quicken the process of cooking...after what seem like just a few seconds..she was in my room with food all ready...still my mood did not change...i grabbed the plate and started attacking the food..

When my stomach stopped growling and was nearly half filled, a thought struck me.. have i ever been able to control my hunger? have i ever been able to control my temper when my stomach starts throwing tantrums..Then how do people in Africa,supposedly to be the most poverty stricken country bear all this?how do they continue to live when they are denied the most basic amenities of life like food, water, and shelter.. how much they would long to get what i have now...i mean even at least the half of it...

All of a sudden guilt overwhelmed me, i put my plate aside and washed hands.at that moment i thanked God for giving me wonderful parents, a beautiful home, and almost everything a person would wish for..

I prayed for those deprived people and promised i would do everything i can in future for the cause of such people and try to make their life a little easier..

As these thoughts were still running in my head,my mom popped in and said "have u finished eating!!!you had very little, you would be hungry later", i smiled and thought "i probably had much more than i should have had"..

The Moonlit Beach..

As i walked in the vast expanse of what felt like a never-ending beach..my feet experiencing the hotness of the sand,with music playing in my ipod, and with the chattering of my sister and her friend in the back ground ,i lost myself in thought..

My thoughts went through the same few questions which i keep asking myself as to "why such a thing happened", "why did this not happen","what would have happened if things have gone in a particular way",etc ..the answer to which i knew did not exist..even though my mind tells me "it had to happen that way so it did", my heart still keeps searching for answers.. thats when i understood that "The logic of the heart is absurd."..

People around me are talking,i can hear the sounds of the waves as we are near the beach,but my heart and thoughts are alien to whatever is happening around me..questions,wondering 's,anger,possibilities,what if - thoughts, keeps going in my head in a vicious circle.

Something cold and smoothing touched my feet,i looked down and realized that we have finally reached the sea after what seemed like an eternity,and it was the cold waves which was caressing me.

For the first time ,i looked up and saw what was happening around me. still my sister and her friend and their blah blah was invisible.. what caught my eye amazed me,made me stand still and wonder if anything else could be much more beautiful,made me forget all the emotional trauma i was going through,and put me in a confusion as to where i was and with whom,it was nothing else but the full yellow moon showcasing its beauty on the even more beautiful sea.. the reflection on the sea water was so perfect and so full of compassion.

The sight gave me immense joy,a huge ray of hope,a feeling which rightly cannot be put in words.That moment something inside my heart said

"Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known,so just wait and watch."

i was so jubilant as if i have attained everlasting peace and actually forgetting the fact that only few seconds ago i was grumbling in frustration.

At that precise moment the words of "Christian Nestell Bovee"-popped to my mind which goes like..

"When all else is lost, the future still remains."

Thanks to my companions who left me totally undisturbed and letting me enjoy those few minutes which made a difference in the way i see things in life.after few murmurings from my sister about its time to go back, i rose to leave,and made a deal with God nature that " i would come back again on few occasions with such pessimistic, never ending vicious circle of crappy thoughts,but i expect the same kind of gratifying experience i had today,as if nodding in agreement, a cool breeze blow my way taking away the last few wrinkled lines off my forehead ..

RAINBOW

hey this piece of writing is totally dedicated to my college buddies who has borne with me silently for the past three years..we named ourselves " THE RAINBOW" ...we decided this name as we are seven in number..

Initially we were in different groups..and after almost a month of the reopening of college,we got to know each other and thus started the journey of fun and friendship. we are seven different people with seven different lifestyles,attitudes,thinking,taste etc..but yes we did jell on pretty well..

To give a brief introduction of all the people...

Niru (Me) - non stop nonsense,spends most of the time in loo(according to my friends..plsss dont believe)loves music,reacts late to things,needs things to be repeated a zillion times before understanding the hang of it ...

Janani - a patient girl with lots of love for her family, ultimate mokkai at times, pretends as though she never got a mokkai just after receiving one and continues with her story ,a very appointed gal ( courtesy - miss.janani)..lolz...

Preethi - a girl with a lot of capabilities to handle big responsibilities,loves to give lots of mokkai's to people whenever possible,introvert in many ways, extrovert in a lot other ways,rarely gets the enthusiasm like that of a child and acts crazy...lolzz..(remember: the jalsa song )...

Lavanya - a yap yappy girl, just like me ...can start talking easily but finds it extremely difficult to stop,loves vetti and mokkai talk, talks in english when she gets angry...lolz..always the first one to make up after a fight....

Saranya - extremely committed and loyal to few things in life,gives a lot and expects the same amount of stuff from others,moody,loves to kalaichuphy people at the right moment not missing a beat...

Kp - sweet loving,carefree girl,loves to be in the lime light,amazing dancer,emotional,up coming star...lolzzzzzz.....acts like a kid most of the times,one of those lucky people who gets marks without hardly touching the book (of course with a little help from kanmani....lolz..), and runs at the word of "project"..lolz..

Swarna - calm and composed girl, rarely shows her emotions..a silent killer i mean she is a girl of few words but kills people by talking at the right moment at the right time and says something which can never be forgot by the other person on whom she comments..lolzz..,she keeps the phone when someone talks in english.

so now i guess the introduction would have shown a clear picture of how the people in the "RAINBOW" are like.

Three years have flown too too fast..It still feels like the first day when i felt all alone after DJ left..but things worked out better than i expected and i had the most amazing few years with you guys..

i can never forget the vetti talk sessions during the market research periods,the innumerable plans we make in order to make one single outing successful,the serious bingo games played during the SDM presentations,the large number of so called model poses given at various occasions,unsuccessful group study sessions,the famous flicking of items in the name of SAMI PEN,PAPER,etc...lolzz..,the adithadi sandai for booking people to drive each others bikes,the late talk sessions at the parking lot,the begging and pleading to make people coordinate for a outing,all of us talking at the same time in a conference call ultimately creating a ciaos and noise pollution,the little pangs of "J Factor" that we get when someone tends to get a bit close with others,the imaginary figures we assume to be stored in the "FUND" which in most cases does not hold more than 200 bucks ... i can keep on mentioning....

we have had our share of fights,arguments,tears,agony,misunderstandings,dissatisfaction,etc..but all those things looks so silly and small now...the small little incidents that has happened between us taught me so many things which i can never forget for a lifetime..

Thus to sum up and end my longggggggggg essay..... i would like to say that you guys rock and each one of you is special in your own way to me...plsssssss keep in touch...thanks for being with me and sharing the most cherished moments of my life..love you loads... :-)